Life is Always Better on Vinyl
Saturday, 29 August 2009
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Currently
Way to Normal
By Ben Folds
see relatedBeating Dead Horses.
Do you ever feel like you're beating a dead horse? Sometimes I do. Sometimes it seems like a waste of time. I'm moving myself. Xanga just isn't very pretty and I want something different...something new. So I'm wordpressing it up at my new site - http://natchurldisaster.wordpress.com/ - and I hope you all join me there. I'm going to keep this account just in case any of you want to contact me. I might even dual update every now and then but this will never be my primary source for posting my creative craps anymore. Au revoir.
Tuesday, 28 July 2009
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Long Days & Longer Nights
It’s been a long time hasn’t it? Well they say absence makes the heart fonder and if that’s true then you’ll fall head over heels for every word I write. I live in a little city tucked away in a wrinkle between the mountains and valleys of Central Oregon.
Bend is it’s name and that’s exactly what the streets do. They’ve got squiggles and wiggles and all sorts of curlicues; changing names faster than you can change lanes. But I love it. Or at least that’s the lie I keep telling myself.
In all actuality, I do like the rocks, rivers, and trees but the roads can go to hell as far as I’m concerned. People are as people do and this place is no different. But the things that they DO here are out of this world. Or at least in direct opposition to it.
When you get down to brass tacks, that’s really what climbing a friggin’ mountain is, a big middle finger to nature. It’s like the man who climbs Everest and, upon reaching the top, shakes his unmentionables at the world below him. It’s an incredibly inane and immature attempt at establishing authority and dominion over forces that are larger than us. But I’ll be damned if it isn’t exhilarating.
And that’s been the overarching tone of this summer; exhilarating and extreme. I’ve climbed mountains, jumped from cliffs, and whipped the pants off of some whitewater rapids. Fear is falling fast and I’m not about to catch it.
But Zooey was right when she said that old habits die hard when you’ve got a sentimental heart and I’m afraid that mine knows nothing but sentiment. I make the same mistakes that I always do. Oh sure, they take on new shapes and sizes, but the spirit remains the same. I’m a selfish bastard to the end.
Sanctification takes time though, just like everything else in this world. In the meantime, I’ve always got my brains, my smarts, my thinkbox. It’s the biggest muscle in my body or at least the most powerful and tied for the most destructive.
I continue to exercise it still, to tear my life apart and put it back together again. Each reconstruction casting new light on old windows and doors long forgotten. This has been a summer of trepidation, hesitation, and finally full out force. But some things leave you worse for the finding.
I’ve read, I’ve written, I’ve wrapped my mind about some unforeseen circumstances. All in all it’s been good, just like everything else, but has it been divine? Yes and no. It’s sort of crazy the way you have to step away from what you know to find yourself.
If you really look deep enough, is there any way that you won’t find the Center of the universe? The image of God is alive within us all, merely waiting to be awakened and then consume the whole. That way, as your eyesight slowly fades, you’ll still be able to see the light until eventually it burns so bright you’re blinded. And when you open your eyes again you’re telling Saint Peter a dirty joke. Each of us still human until the final judgment.
It is that humanity, that brokenness, the charming crooked smile we all wear that calls us to our maker. We’re all outlaws for His love and I just want to be a part of that underground railroad; sneaking people off one by one to freedom.
This summer has seen precious little of that from me. I am neither conductor nor ticket-taker but the poor passenger doing PR for a movement so large that it’s almost invisible. It’s a funny job but someone’s got to do it.
It feels good to be heading towards freedom, though the tunnel I’m about to go through will last one more year. I am constantly amazed that my heart knows no difference between dark and light but is always blind to the truth. I suppose the heart wants what the heart wants and the rest of us have to sit back and wait for the wreck that’s sure to ensue.
Still, hardship builds character and pain is good for the soul and oh what a character I’ve become. Besides, the best friendships form in the lowest places, down in the dirt when we’re all covered with grime.
So here’s a goodbye to the sunny days of summer and a salute to the season darkness headed my way that is sure to illumine more than I ever thought possible.
Cheers.
Wednesday, 03 June 2009
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Currently
Ultra Orange & Emmanuelle
By Ultra Orange & Emmanuelle
see relatedRomanticism is gone but will return someday.
Someday this may be true of me and of you, but for now we are alone together and altogether apart, connected only by God's great big heart. Here's hoping for some fun barking at the moon until we finally meet and I can utter such sweet nothings into your ear.
I Like You by Sandol Stoddard WarburgI like you and I know why.
I like you because you are a good person to like.
I like you because when I tell you something special, you know it's special
And you remember it a long, long time.
You say, Remember when you told me something special
And both of us rememberWhen I think something is important
you think it's important too
We have good ideas
When I say something funny, you laugh
I think I'm funny and you think I'm funny too
Hah-hah!
I like you because you know where I'm ticklish
And you don't tickle me there except just a little tiny bit sometimes
But if you do, then I know where to tickle you too
You know how to be silly
That's why I like you
Boy are you ever silly
I never met anybody sillier than me till I met you
I like you because you know when it's time to stop being silly
Maybe day after tomorrow
Maybe never
Too late, it's a quarter past silly
Sometimes we don't say a word
We snurkle under fences
We spy secret places
If I am a goofus on the roofus hollering my head off
You are one too
If I pretend I am drowning, you pretend you are saving me
If I am getting ready to pop a paper bag,
then you are getting ready to jump
HOORAYThat's because you really like me
You really like me, don't you
And I really like you back
And you like me back and I like you back
And that's the way we keep on going every dayIf you go away, then I go away too
or if I stay home, you send me a postcard
You don't just say Well see you around sometime, bye
I like you a lot because of that
If I go away, I send you a postcard too
And I like you because if we go away together
And if we are in Grand Central Station
And if I get lost
Then you are the one that is yelling for meAnd I like you because when I am feeling sad
You don't always cheer me up right away
Sometimes it is better to be sad
You can't stand the others being so googly and gaggly every single minute
You want to think about things
It takes timeI like you because if I am mad at you
Then you are mad at me too
It's awful when the other person isn't
They are so nice and hoo-hoo you could just about punch them in the noseI like you because if I think I am going to throw up
then you are really sorry
You don't just pretend you are busy looking at the birdies and all that
You say, maybe it was something you ate
You say, the same thing happened to me one time
And the same thing didIf you find two four-leaf clovers, you give me one
If I find four, I give you two
If we only find three, we keep on looking
Sometimes we have good luck, and sometimes we don'tIf I break my arm, and if you break your arm too
Then it's fun to have a broken arm
I tell you about mine, you tell me about yours
We are both sorry
We write our names and draw pictures
We show everybody and they wish they had a broken arm tooI like you because I don't know why but
Everything that happens is nicer with you
I can't remember when I didn't like you
It must have been lonesome thenI like you because because because
I forget why I like you but I do
So many reasons
On the 4th of July I like you because it's the 4th of July
On the fifth of July, I like you too
If you and I had some drums and some horns and some horses
If we had some hats and some flags and some fire engines
We could be a HOLIDAY
We could be a CELEBRATION
We could be a WHOLE PARADE
See what I mean?Even if it was the 999th of July
Even if it was August
Even if it was way down at the bottom of November
Even if it was no place particular in January
I would go on choosing you
And you would go on choosing me
Over and over again
That's how it would happen every time
I don't know why
I guess I don't know why I really like you
Why do I like you
I guess I just like you
I guess I just like you because I like you.
Thursday, 20 November 2008
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Love You Madly
This is a collage piece I did for my creative nonfiction writing course.
************************** **********************
Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
-Albert Einstein-
Although cases of insanity, complete or partial, are all too abundant in ordinary secular existence, it is in the field called religious that is always to be found the largest harvest of this unnatural crop. One who studies the pathology of religious devotees is soon forced to the conclusion, either that Humanity en masse is chronically deranged, or that by far the larger number of the saints and seers, the founders of sects, cults, and their dogmas and rites, were and are insane. The evidence in every case is direct and first-hand, and is to be found in the teachings, the conduct and practices, and the claims and professions made when viewed in the light of the accumulated experience and wisdom of the most enlightened of the race.
-Theosophy Magazine Vol. 16, No. 4, February, 1928-
Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven.
-Matthew 18:17-
Either this man (Jesus) was, and is, the son of God, or else a madman or something worse.
-C.S. Lewis-
We humans do, when the cause is sufficient, spend our lives. We throw ourselves onto the grenade to save our buddies in the foxhole. We rise out of the trenches and charge the entrenched enemy and die like maggots under a blowtorch. We strap bombs on our bodies and blow ourselves up in the midst of our enemies. We are, when the cause is sufficient, insane.
-Orson Scott Card-
Idealism is nothing more than stubborn insanity.
Through a circle that ever returneth in
To the self-same spot,
And much of Madness and more of Sin
And Horror the Soul of the Plot.
-Edgar Allan Poe-
Time has a way of demonstrating that the most stubborn are the most intelligent.
-Yevgeny Yevtushenko-
We learn from history that we learn nothing from history.
-George Bernard Shaw-
Those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it.
-George Santayana-
For the righteous man falls seven times and yet rises again.
-Proverbs 24:16
Though this be madness, yet there is method in it.
-William Shakespeare-
Let us consider that we are all partially insane. It will explain us to each other; it will unriddle many riddles; it will make clear and simple many things which are involved in haunting and harassing difficulties and obscurities now.
-Mark Twain-
So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. And God Blessed them.
-Genesis 1:27-28-
Perhaps insanity was just a minority of one.
-George Orwell-
Wednesday, 12 November 2008
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Love Is Sweet
Oh rapturous joy,
Most delightful!
When I, her boy,
Lie down full,
Of sugar.
A smile is sweet,
And kisses even more.
When our lips meet,
Not parting till they're sore,
I smile.
My teeth long gone,
Gums now bleed black.
Mine lips still long,
To have yours back,
Upon them.
For when our lips touch,
Tender tongues intertwine,
It's almost too much.
Far sweeter than any dandelion,
My Princess.
Though you give me cavities,
With cold and cankerous sores,
Still I am at ease,
In sweetness such as yours,
I bask.
You will be the death of me,
If on this course we stay,
Wait and see it come to be,
For on that fateful day,
I die.
He loved too oft,
And far too strong.
Her lips too soft,
Did stay too long.
And such sweetness did decay.
**************************************************
What could be a more interesting activity, on a school night, than writing a poem about a love so sweet it gave cavities and canker sores?
Monday, 10 November 2008
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Currently Listening
Bring on the Comets
By VHS or Beta
see relatedScraps of Sloppily Scrawled Scribblings.
Scrap 1:
He has had a bigger impact on me than I had ever imagined.
I absorbed him through osmosis,
due to our constant closeness.
And I don't think I'll ever get him out.
Storm clouds converge, where skies were once blue.
Dark gray soon turns black, as the pressure builds.
The waves of water reply in turn,
Running red with blood and brown from impurity.
As they crash against each other,
Forever locked in that fateful death dance,
The sounds begin to grow.
Groaning, growling, howling, and with a jab of thunder,
All Hell breaks loose.
The Sea and the Sky are alive with anger,
Marvelous malice must be met.
Though hate is the only wayfarer,
Which will wait,
On this most unruly house guest.
This is what Sea-Captains live for.
Scrap 2:
Maybe if I pulled out all my teeth,
Reduced my mouth to a pit of raw nerves,
I would be a better person.
If as I took each lonesome bite,
Chomping down as one does and one must,
I felt the pain, of each passing grain...
Maybe then it would get through,
That life is tough and while it's true,
That the strong crush the poor,
It is not without crushing themselves in some small way as well.
Scrap that is loosely titled "Beauty Ephem-Errant":
Twin Pillars of amber,
Spring forth from soiled roots,
Branded by roses,
Marking the way of magnificence.
A structure robed in red,
Topped by a two eyed spire,
Complete with garlands of gold beneath,
While silken strands of obsidian bequeath
The light above,
Wrapped in an impure white.
She's guaranteed to dazzle and delight.
She wears a decorative design,
One of torture and of love,
Nestled neatly between them,
Firm fleshy globules.
It's brushing bare breast,
With every passing beat,
Of my dark and heavy heart.
Therein lies my Jesus.
Scrap 3:
There are things I want to say,
That no one wants to hear.
There are things I have to say,
That fill me with fear.
Shall I die cold and alone,
Thinking thoughts only I have known?
Please, God?
No.
Scrap 4:
Such humble vanity,
will be the death of me,
Just you wait and see.
*That's all you get. Enjoy the random. Or don't. Your choice.*
Saturday, 25 October 2008
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Currently Listening
Songs for Silverman
By Ben Folds
see relatedRinse Cycle Complete.
Philosophy is an interesting subject, from which innumerable streams of thought flow. The principal goal of philosophy and hence of most philosophers is the pursuit of knowledge pertaining to the truths and principles of being, knowledge, and/or conduct. That classifies quite a few of the eddies and whirls one would find within a life's worth of water as philosophical in nature. Such streams have been wearily winding their way through my mind as of late.
Most of my philosophical questions and quandaries are answered through observation of my own life and those of my fellow man. This implies, and rightly so, that there is a certain degree of inaccuracy and bias involved. Nonetheless, it is the reality in which I live--that is if I choose to assume that any of this is real, which I do. I both acknowledge and accept my own biases, inaccuracies, and the fact that I may later reject most, if not all, of the conclusions I reach. I cannot let myself be paralyzed by any of the above. I am where I am. I am who I am. I know what I know. All of that could change in an instant, a decade, or not at all. Regardless, I do my best.
As of late I've been pondering cycles. George Santayana said, "Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it." This is something which plagues all men. Too often we forget, too often we do not learn from history, too often we doom ourselves to endless repetition. Surely when one forgets history and eventually repeats an action, he does not know the outcome (or if he knows it, is not consciously aware of it). Indeed, the four-hundredth time a man acts in the same manner, he may have the same expectations in mind which were present during the primal action. What does this say of man? Albert Einstein said, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." If this is true, then man is insane. Doubly so if he is an idealist.
I am a man and I consider myself to be an idealist. Therefore, if the assertions stated above are true--and for the sake of argument I am assuming that they are--I am surely insane; twice over at least. That being said, you may wish to take anything and everything I say with a grain of salt. Though it may be harmful to your health, it will surely do wonders for your intellect. Shall we continue?
If the whole of human of human history is cyclical, then I would assume that such patterns should be evident upon review. Rosenstock-Huessy, Frederick Nietzsche, and many other philosophers throughout history have opined that such cycles are very much present for the conscious observer to see. Though they may disagree on the details of the cycles, they agree that they are present. After reflection on the subject, one may think to consider this principle true on an individual level as well. For each man, woman, and child there is a pattern to life; landmarks on a journey that all must pass. One is begotten, one begets others (or does not), and eventually one dies. True, this is an overly simplified model, but it can clearly be seen as a model that applies almost completely across the whole of humanity. Within such an example, one will find many smaller cycles and patterns which may be common to all men or just the individual. Or at least this seems to be the case in my life.
* * *
I struggle with depression, idealism, and a slew of other issues on a regular basis. As such, I often find myself going through seasons of joy and seasons of sorrow. I have found myself in a season of sorrow for quite some time now. I have been filled with confusion, anger, and a sense of longing after God while simultaneously avoiding Him. That is changing, has changed, and, given time, will change again. I now find myself in a season of joy or, if not joy, then at least of contentment. It is a pleasurable place to pass the time. I've heard such a season referred to as, "God's Smile" How truly apt a description.
Do not mistake my words as an exclamation of all my desires having been sated nor of all my needs having been met. A more accurate assessment would be that it is an admittance of the truth; many of my supposed needs are being revealed as nothing more than the foolish desires of a naive youth. Along with this comes a sense of confirmation concerning my supposed needs which are still seen as such. This could change at any moment, but for now it is quite comforting.
Life is in turns, prodigiously difficult, overwhelmingly joyous, and, at times, both. One must learn to embrace it all and in doing so will inevitably travel through times of darkness and times of light. Rejoice whilst in the light of God's smile and persevere in the dark times of most terrible travail. Beauty does not cease to exist simply because man lacks the presence of mind to perceive it.
Wednesday, 22 October 2008
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Currently Listening
Gossip In The Grain
By Ray LaMontagne
You Are The Best Thing
see relatedWhat do you make of this quote?
I recently came across this and it piqued my interest. I am oddly fascinated by the way we define terms (I'm a dork, I know) and this piqued my interest. What do you make of this quote?
"Patience with others is Love, Patience with self is Hope, Patience with God is Faith."
-Adel Bestavros-
Sunday, 12 October 2008
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Currently Listening
Kala
Paper Planes
see relatedInto The Wild.
The very essence of my soul longs after one thing. No, not God…fine, two things. No, not a woman…fine, three things. I want to go camping; to wander into the woods armed with a hatchet, a sleeping bag, and a bottle of whiskey. Watch out world, I’m done.
A hatchet an extension of my emotions; a tree the canvas that must be cut down to be made beautiful. A sleeping bag, the penitentiary of my physicality; constantly reminding of my mortality. The whiskey to let me linger longer in my memories; that wonderful world of half asleep.
No food. No water. No people.
My days are numbered and three is as good as any other. Better some would say. How fitting for a resurrection?
Losing myself and finding God. My singular, solitary, sole desire. I’ve searched the scriptures, but my heart is hidden elsewhere. Searching high has left me dry, searching low is where I’ll go.
The wilderness beckons with every beat, begging and pleading for me to join it.
Wild. Honest. Free.
The devil is in the details, so I’ve thrown them all away.
God is calling, “Please, oh won’t you please come back to me?”
Your face, Lord, do I seek.
Shalom.
Tuesday, 23 September 2008
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Currently Listening
My Someday
see relatedThe Day The Music Died.
In my creative nonfiction class, we were instructed to write a short memoir piece. This is what I wrote. Let me know what you think.
************************************************************************************
The Day The Music Died.
Together we walk toward the water’s edge, our journey accompanied by the high as clouds in the sky melodies of birds and the booming bass notes of bullfrogs. I know this murky lake within these twisted woods; my bathtub for nearly a year now. Tadpoles surface, breaking the serene silence of the water and proving once and for all that these dark depths do contain life. We sit roughly on the ground in complete silence save for the music around us. My heart beats fast, ever the frenetic percussionist.
She speaks but I’m not listening. I hate her and everything she’s done. I want to hit her until she’s quiet. I can’t stand her voice; that stupid scratchy sound ruins the music. I want to show her what it means to feel pain; to destroy a life. I notice that she’s crying. “What’s wrong?” worms its way out of my mouth; come unbidden from unknown depths. “You weren’t listening. You never listen anymore.” each word coated with equal parts anger, sorrow and a hint of pity. I sit in silence, nodding my head to the beat of my violent heart. “I just told you I’ve got a problem. I need help. Chris? Please?”
I can’t help her. I can’t help anyone; otherwise I wouldn’t be in this mess. I’m a man, nearly fourteen but I can’t find the answers. I find a question instead, “What could I possibly do and what makes you think I would?” She winces with every syllable. “I missed my period. Chris, I can’t have a baby right now. It wouldn’t be fair for anyone.” The music slowly fades and I stand, brushing the dirt off of my legs, “What do you want me to do about it?” She opens her mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. She stands and tries again, “Hit me. Hit me as hard as you can.” I can’t move, I can’t speak, I can barely even think. She wants me to hit her?
“I can’t do that, it wouldn’t be right. I won’t hit a woman.” Some sense of chivalry lives inside of me or maybe it’s just fear. “Chris, no one will ever know. Your dad won’t let me get an abortion and we couldn’t afford one even if he would.” Ragged rivulets of tears run down her cheeks. “No, I can’t do it. I won’t.” I am resolute in my refusal. She’s near hysteria, I see it in her eyes, “Chris, I’m your mother and you will do what I say. Now hit me!” I stand in stunned silence. She keeps repeating those same three words, “Now hit me!”
What’s the worst that could happen, my stepdad hits me? I can handle that and besides, maybe nothing will happen. Maybe I’ll hit her and the baby will be born just fine. The bullfrogs and birds are singing again and my heart is beating its frenzied pace. The tempo increases, the music builds, my head is about to explode. “Fine, I’ll do it! Just….just shut up okay?” She braces herself and I slowly open and close my fist. The music dies or maybe it’s my brain. Grasping the keys of life ever so tightly, in my clenched fist, I swing with all of my force, all of my anger, all of my sorrow. She drops to her knees and I wait for something to happen. Shakily, she stands. Nervously I look but I don’t see anything out of the ordinary; no bloody mess, no squealing child, nothing at all. I smile as I realize that it’s alright; nothing happened, oh thank God nothing happened! Wiping away her tears, my mother steadies herself with one hand on my shoulder and whispers in my ear, “No one will ever know.”
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